After skipping class(due to illness), dozing, watching random episodes of popular television shows, and reading. I’m wondering what’s the point in all of this. This book suggested to me by a friend mine seems to have my head spinning more than I would have expected or wanted. I can’t say that I dislike the book. I can’t say that at all. I can only say that it’s making me reevaluate my stance on things. This is where things get shaky for me.
I wonder if I’m even doing what I want to do. I wonder if my own mental instability is preventing me from planting my feet on the ground and take steps in the right direction. I’m worried about doing what I want to do. I’m worried about losing the chance at something I truly feel would be amazing.
I have to tell myself, perhaps it’s not all as shining as I want it to be. Sure it’s easy to say that I’m going to make a dent, race my way to the top, conquer the challenge. The main question is, am I actually going to do it? I want to, that’s pretty clear. I have the capacity to, that is also pretty clear. Above all, will it actually happen? At this point I’m almost willing to say “no.” Plagued with procrastination symptoms and a creative gridlock with a perfect storm of environmental situations that seem to lock me in place.
But I’m too damn passionate about all of this to sit idly by and watch it pass me by. In a forest where all the trees seem to be growing at the same rate, my highest branch barely sees the sun. But I understand the sun. I see the light source in the sky as several different things whereas the person or tree next to me sees it only as a source to cast a shadow. The billions of photons bombarding and scattering across the tree tops behave like water through a hose. The light itself splatters across the covered forest floor in a scattered circle from the tiny gap in the foliage above. A camera recreates the same effect through carefully crafted layers of glass onto a photo detector that is arguably the greatest invention the human being has made. I can understand and believe this information, but I can’t buy new shoes when I need them? I can tell someone my dreams and aspirations, but can’t pull this green and white hand-me-down blanket off of me and grab them? They say knowledge is power, am I powerless to use my knowledge? Excuse me,  I have to go procrastinate some more.